You know your missus has plenty to do when you hear this..
“You know, the last time I looked, it was this time… this morning….”
Bless her.
j.
Archive for the 'Quote Of The Day' Category
14
Sep
Quote of the day.
“I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.”
20
Nov
Quote of the Day. Jimoen
“Watching your wife give birth for the first time, is like watching your favorite pub burn down.”
Jimoen.
j.
“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict youself having fun in an above-ground pool.”
j.
“I wear v-neck shirts. My neck is so fragile man, I can’t wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.”
j
04
Oct
Quote of the day. Kites.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why; that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You’d have to run like a motherfucker.
j.
Xylophone is spelled with an X. Thats wrong. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don’t fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, use a Z and if someone says “Hey thats wrong!” say “……no it ain’t.” If you think that that’s wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It’s like X didn’t have enough to do so they had to promise it more. “Okay, you won’t start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing ‘Christmas’ easier. And you will incidentally start ‘xylophone.’ Are you happy ya fucking X?”
j
07
Sep
Quote Of The Day: Cacti
“I saw an ad on TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it said “You can water your hard to reach plants with this product.” Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That just seems mean. I know you need water, but I’m gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!”
j.
“I got a lamp in my hotel room that has one of those 3-way lightbulbs in it. If you don’t know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like “Damn it, lightbulb, that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do.” And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. “I will break you.”
j
“I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it’s saying ‘Noo…’ so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say ‘no’ to. “Do you keep my hair in place?” “Do you keep my documents in order?” “Do you have three settings?” Liar! My fan fuckin’ lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit!”
j
Recent Comments